There Was No Light
by BelledonnaSnape
Summary: To exist Harry must find the slumbering knowledge that is buried deep within him and accept that in the darkness there will always be the light. "There is no light, no noise, no smell… Nothing but darkness."
1. Chapter 1

There is no light, no noise, no smell… Nothing but darkness…….

And then a shift in the air as if some great being took a silent breath and exhaled, with bodies undulating, music pounding, blood boiling, lights flashing. I am caught up in this massive writhing of human and not-so-human bodies, each trying to get back their humanity in the most basic way possible, to show that they are not affected, that the darkness in their souls isn't there. I'm one of them, my life no longer my own, my soul turns dark with every passing day. I can't escape the torturing of my own mind. I need to feel….something…. And then I feel it, a body press into my own.

I arch back into it and gasped at the feel. Two hands unknown to me press me closer. A breath, warm and moist hisses across my skin, as if it's steam hitting the cold kitchen window and slowly rolling down leaving rivulets of pleasure in it's path. Oh God……. This, this is what I need. I want to be touched, to be taken. I want it ……a laugh from behind shivers its way down my spine. Lips lick along my neck, one seducing word from the unknown mouth "mine". It's a statement, a demand, that will not, can not, be ignored.

I feel myself being pulled by the unknown. Out in the night, I can't see... it's so dark, all around me the darkness creeps, sliding… crawling… caressing... slithering its way into my soul. I'm pressed up against a wall. The cold brick tries to cool my fevered body but nothing can stanch the heat that is boiling inside of me.

The long slow slide of our bodies as we fit together … there's no room to breath. I can't make out my lover's face; the laughter comes again it dances across my flesh and slowly licks its way to my soul. Inside the haze that is my brain, I think I recognize it. Then cool moist lips pressing against my own washes away all thought. I'm drowning, falling into a chasm that is my own desire. A broken moan issues forth as the lips are taken away. A whispered voice, "Not here," and I'm being pulled again, this time with more urgency.

I hear a loud rumble. Light splinters across the sky and the heavens open up. We begin to run as rain pours down on us… we cease to be. And like a cork from a champagne bottle, with a pop, we appear in an ebony darkness that glides around us.

I feel my lover move, a slight noise on the far side of the darkness. An ethereal light from the exposed moon slithers across the wall to land on the large four poster bed in the middle of the room. The storm picks up volume and mass, as if it's trying to crush the house with its fury. Then he returns, like the phantom he's become.

I can not see him, I can only feel. His hands push and pull each button free from my shirt. He growls low in his throat as more of my body is revealed. His tongue follows the path that his fingers bare upon my chest. I hear a moan and realize that it comes from my own mouth.

Slowly he traces his way back to my lips. His tongue takes possession of my mouth; he plunders and sucks as if he's trying to feed from my very essence, trying to devour my soul through my lips. He conjures fire in my being. It races along my veins and through my limbs to pool between my legs. My hips rear up trying to gain more contact, and his hungry laugh slithers across my senses. His hands slide slowly down my chest and into my pants. He grasps my pulsing member in his hands and squeezes.

"Oh Gods," I moan "more". I shiver as his hands continue to build the need that is inside me...then suddenly he's gone. I cry out in denied passion, and then he returns slowly stripping the rest of my barriers away until I stand before this demon lover, bared to his eyes.

"I want to touch you," I beg.

I fall to my knees the carpet rubs and abrades my skin, sending pleasure and pain I slowly crawl to him, this mysterious lover, mine for this night. He allows me to slide up his body; my hands to undress him; I want to nourish my soul on his flesh. He moans when I scrape my teeth down his chest. I sooth the path down his chest with my tongue and suck his nipple into my mouth. His hand clasps my head to his chest as I suckle.

My hand travels slowly across his body. I trace his hips with my fingers; dip into grooves and crevices that make him cry out. Then I reach what I want most. My hand clasps around his length and my thumb smoothes the wet liquid that I find there. He cries out and I sink to my knees before him. This…this is what I wanted, to feel him alive inside and for a moment I feel..... His hands entwine in my hair as I slowly take him into my mouth. I lave his underside with my tongue and move to the small opening leaking more of his wet seed. My tongue dallies as if it's sucking and licking on a favored candy. I take him as far as he will go, and then I swallow. His hips buck sending his cock deeper into my throat, he ravages my mouth and I hum.

His hands grip my hair and drag me up. I moan, bereft at the loss of him. He crushes his mouth to mine. Our tongues duel for supremacy. He pushes me to the bed. I hear a whispered spell and then I can't think; his hands are everywhere.

"Is this what you want?" his disturbing voice asks. And in the corridors of my mind long buried and forgotten, I recognize this dark lover. My body shudders.

"Yes," I moan.

I feel his fingers at the entrance of my body, so soft, like the caress of dragonfly wings. I whimper, no longer caring that he will know what kind of hold he has on me. "Please…" and then he's pressing those beautiful fingers into me. I moan "more ...please… more…"

I arch my back into him to get more, always more, never enough. In and out, his fingers move, stretching me so I can receive him. I feel him as he moves the tip of his member to my entrance…and for a moment I'm afraid…afraid of the unknown, of giving myself completely, of this man who awakens things in me long dead. Then he embraces me to his heart and nothing else matters. A slow slide and burn as he possesses me, I am held. He turns my head and presses his cool lips to my fevered ones. We meld as one in a dance that eternity and even death cannot stop. I am his, forever and always his. I feel him over me, around me, inside me, and cannot tell where he ends and I begin. We are one.

The storm begins to build. It crashes into the windows slashing at the glass, building, blinding, faster, ferocious.

The room is lit with a blinding light, and I see him as I'm taken under in a wave.

I hear him cry out in the roar of the storm, "I love you," as his passion drags him under, and his body shudders against mine. His tremors have ceased now. I lie under his body for what seems like forever, If only it were forever.

I moan as he leaves my body. He pulls me into his arms, and I rest my head on his chest. I feel the beating of his heart.

Light shines into my eyes, pulling me from the embrace of Morpheus. I'm in my bed, and I am alone. Two tears slide down my face, my heart was destroyed long ago and the only person that can make me whole again lies deep where the light can not reach him. I lift my hand to wipe the wetness away and as I stare at the crimson stain upon my fingers I wonder. Was it just a dream my grieving soul conjured up as the storm raged outside? Or was he here?

I whisper into the dew-drenched morning. "I love you too, Sev."

~ Hey Guys hoped you enjoyed it; let me know what you think. Please no flames, constructive criticism is very welcome. ~

Cheers Bella


	2. Chapter 2

**~Okay this isn't HBP or DH compliant so now it is officially OC.**

**Grab a tissue all, this isn't a happy chapter, I don't foresee this story being to happy for a while. So if you don't like depressing stories or if you are depressed yourself…I suggest you don't read… Hugs to all reviewer's~ **

I still remember the night that he told me he loved me…

I think somehow he sensed my utter despair. The wind was bitterly cold as it swirled around my cloaked body as I stood in the darkness. I don't know how long I had watched as the snow swirled and danced in the air.

I heard his voice seep from the shadows that surrounded me. "I love you." it was a mere whisper on the wind that spoke of feelings long hidden and never spoken of. It was an impossible in a world that had grown desolate for me. I drew in a shuddering breath to declare my own hearts yearning but, he stopped me "I know" was all he said. We remained that way…. Standing looking out at the darkened world caressed and numbed by snow.

He made me promise that I would survive for him. I never realized… Gods… I never realized what that promise would cost me.

In those last moments before death gripped me. I heard his voice "Breath."

And I fought; I fought my way through the pain and the hurt, the very blackness of death itself. I opened my eyes to return to him. Never knowing that as he held me and asked me to live for him his lifeblood was slowly pooling and intertwining with the blood of the fallen in a crimson ballet, marring the snow that covered the earth with its dance. I looked into his eyes "Only for you my love." I fought to stay in a world that had only ever caused me despair and anguish. I felt as his lips pressed to mine "Just hold on a little longer."

They said that Albus found us. I was wrapped in his arms unconscious from my wounds. He was barely breathing, and as he took his last breath his voice seemed to float and entwine with the wind "Take care of him Albus, he is the light in this world"

I was told later that as they bore me away from his body I cried crimson tears, silent in their grief.

Tears that mourned what my mind had yet to know.

**HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…**

I sometimes wonder if I was ever destined to be happy…

The Fates were infinitely cruel. I knew he was gone, forever lost to me. His betrayal carved deep ribbons of red in my soul. The Damn Bastard! even in the end he protected me. I would have gladly followed him into the Infinite darkness. He knew that and yet still he insisted I live.

Many tried to reach me in the days after my awakening all left defeated and disheartened. My soul had retreated far into a place even I knew naught of.

I felt it consuming me, its ravenous hunger that stripped away any goodness and light I had left. The darkness took root and grew inside of me like a putrid, rotting being. Damned to live a half life, I wondered if I was turning into the very thing my love and so many others gave their lives to stop. I would not allow it to touch those that still loved me, even though love was nothing but ashes and bitterness in my heart. As each day passed I watched as the misery and hurt filled there eyes, sometimes to be replaced by anger and pain.

"Damn it Harry, can't you see we love you, that we need you too!" "Gods… just try…just, please…please, Harry, cub you're the last of my pack… all I have left." I heard Remus's desolate voice begging me from far away as if in a dream. I felt his hand stroke my hair and wetness fell softly on my cheek, then a painful sigh. "Just sleep Harry, know that we love you… that I love you"

"Make that something worth fighting for."

Then his soft footfalls retreated from the bed in defeat and I was left to the stillness.

**HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…**

It's funny, that even in the darkness I still wished to protect them, as I had in life so would I in death. Although where I existed, it was so much more horrifying than mere death could ever be.

In the end I saw only one way to protect the ones that loved me from the anguish my broken soul caused them, from the darkness I barely held at bay. With the promise that I had made with my bloodied lips that fateful day, a wizard's oath was created and I couldn't even end my life to stop the pain, he had even taken that small comfort from me. I would have gladly joined him in deaths embrace.

If I had a heart, I know it would have bled for what I was about to do, but it was the only way. I would have to leave and go as far from this world as I could. I would simple cease to exist to die without a death. Maybe one day… not now, but after they grieved, when they put their lives back together they would smile and think of me and remember the boy I had been not the monster I had become.

I stood at the edge of the forbidden forest wrapped in the caressing arms of the mother moon. My eyes captured one last look at the place where I had felt my greatest joy as well as my deepest pain. I remembered and I grieved.

Silently I left the only place I had ever called home.

**~ Ok I know it's short. But I am thinking of making the story small flashes into Harry's memories, while I slowly move into his present life if at all. I know it's a tad depressing …But alas my muse will not come out of her darkened corner of misery…**

**Please…please…please…review. ~**

**Cheers Bella**


	3. Chapter 3

I left the wizarding world and never looked back, all that I took from the world I loved, was my wand and my memories. I lived my life as I had started it, alone. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, finding a new identity, starting a new life. It's amazingly easy to get false documents and one request form later Harry Potter was no more and Harold Black was born. I kept the name simple and familiar after all hiding in plain site is the least anyone would expect.

The days passed in a routine of motions. I spelled my eyes a dark blue and dyed my hair amber brown nothing too drastic, just enough of a change not to be recognized. If I were honest with myself I looked a bit like Remus did at my age. I found a job at a bookstore and leased the empty apartment that was upstairs; surprisingly convenient that.

My boss Mrs. Nolan was a small woman with tidy grey hair and the pinched expression of some one who has been dreadfully disappointed in life. She didn't care who I was as long as I did my job and paid my rent and that was just fine with me.

Is it possible to be a ghost and not be dead? That's what I felt like, a ghost hallowed out of all that is real. Some times I would catch glimpses of him in customers scathing comments or the dark hair of the man walking across the street. I would feel a twinge in the place beneath my breastbone, an ache that I would rub at and try to chase away in the hallways of my psyche. If he were alive he would be disgusted with the fact that I had given up, but how much is expected of a person to give before there is nothing left? Voldemort saw to it that even if I had wanted to try it would be impossible. I was a danger to all things Magical. Even using the small spell for my eyes had unleashed a hunger so deep for more that I had tied myself to my bed, hoping that I wouldn't break free and allow the darkness out. I drowned myself in wine and sex hoping that it would sate the beast and at least for a moment let me feel alive.

Oh how he would hate me for that. I was meant to only be his, untouched by any but him.

HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…HP…

The first time we made love I felt as if my soul itself had been possessed by fire. There was no time for virginal fears or regrets. All we had was what little time we could steal. I stood before him in the languishing light of the fire as it pooled in soft trails across my body.

"Are you sure Harry?"

He looked at me and in his eyes I saw the anguish he held within, the want and need that even then he tried to deny for some thought of my tarnished honor. He slowly raised his potion stained hands to my face.

"These hands are covered in the blood of innocents, I am not clean enough to touch you." he whispered.

"What of me Sev?"

"Haven't I killed just as much in the name of good, aren't my hands just as bloody?"

I cupped his hands in mine "Can't we just have this?"

"Is it truly so much to ask?" I pleaded.

He brought my body to life that night, as it had never been before. Long slow slides as our bodies fit together and tangled in the silken bed sheets. Soft moans and whispers, hands that brought pleasure so keen it was almost pain. The sharp nip of teeth across my collarbone followed by the wet glide of a tongue, the slow meandering path across my chest, gods how I had wanted him.

The very hands that stirred a potion and created so precisely so passionately created a need inside my soul and body that I would never be rid of. I shook with it "Please" I begged.

I felt the smile he pressed to my stomach.

"What do you want my love?"

"Please Sev." He licked and dabbled; long languid strokes across my thighs as I writhed beneath him.

"Tell me what you want." He murmured as he traced the veins that throbbed on the inside of my thigh. "Tell Me."

And I did I begged and pleaded and finally I demanded that he end my torture.

"Love me, posses me."

His mouth moved slowly towards the place that all the throbbing pleasure and need crashed together to set my body aflame. I cried out as I was enveloped in moist wet heat. He suckled and lapped taking nourishment from the essence of my passion.

I babbled and moaned sweet nothings into the air not caring what I said. This possession this need it was too much it built and ascended, climbing higher, faster, it was freighting in it's intensity in it's need to have me. I buckled beneath him and he drank the very seed of life from my body. I awoke to him slowly caressing my cheek and as my eyes locked with his I could see the infinite web of our fates entwined in the love held within them. He slowly lowered his lips to mine. With that one cares it was as if time itself had stopped, captured as it was with the horror of the outside world held at bay.

He whispered a spell and slowly positioned my body to receive him. His long gentle hands parted my legs and leisurely stroked the inside of my cleft. One finger slowly breached the warmth of my body. It hurt and he rubbed soothing circles on my stomach with his other hand. Another joined the one as he caressed me from the inside. I felt the third finger slide next to the others and soon they mimicked the slow up and down thrusts that would lead us into the very heart of creation itself. I yielded to the pressure, the pleasure and the pain.

"Please."

"Sev…please make me yours." I moaned at the burn as he slowly pulled his fingers away. He moved to cover me and looked down into my panting flushed face.

"Now and forever Harry, Your only mine."

"Say it; tell me you belong only to me." He whispered harshly in my ear as he began to press his body to mine.

And through the haze of passion I heard the need and fear in his voice,

I reached up and grasped his face "Only yours Severus, Always yours forever." I pressed my lips to his and he sipped the cry from my mouth as he made us one. I remember the heat, the pleasure; yes even the pain all overshadowed by the feeling of completeness to have him inside me apart of me.

Then all thought fled as the ecstasy burned brighter and scorching and I felt the heat build inside me until it consumed me and at that moment of death I was reborn.

I came back to myself slowly inch by inch, breath by breath. We held each other and whispered the words so long trapped inside; we were desperate to believe they would allow us to keep one another.

But in the end our love would not be enough.

b~ Peeks from around the corner…so let me know what you think, I am in the need of a Beta if anyone is interested. As always Please review~

Cheers,

Bella/b


	4. Chapter 4

I often hear whispers when I sleep, snippets of things I know are important but can't understand.

"Deep in the Dreaming"… "Save him?"… "Very old magic's"

Then I hear his voice call me from far away.

"Harry."

His voice echoes and slides down the halls of this dream place. I feel the panic build as I try with all my might to reach him. To find him in this between worlds before it is too late, before I can save him again.

"Severus where are you?"

I am lost in a maze of granite and roses. The walls tower over me almost blocking out the pale moon that casts light into the shadows. The whispers entwine around me in a wind made up of words. I listen closely for the voice I want to hear straining for even the smallest whisper. They move and sigh lifting my hair and caressing my face. I begin to think that even in my dreams I imagine him only to be left alone in the end.

There is a shift in this place and I am running my feet barely touch the ground as I race to an unknown end. I stop suddenly; I am in a long corridor covered in vines and roses that move and sigh. The perfume of the roses is cloying in its sweetness. It reminds me of things…things that I shy away from. That I keep locked inside. I stand there in the darkness surrounded by memories that I no longer want to remember, and then I hear his voice again.

"Harry."

"I'm coming…please don't go." I begin to run again. Down this corridor that is scented sickly of things that call dark shadows from my soul.

"Harry."

"I hear you…please…please." I run faster thinking that if I can just reach him, just touch him, that maybe living won't be so terrible.

"Where are you?" his voice carries down the dark tunnel that I am in.

I can feel the change in this place of namelessness as I struggle to reach him. Vines slither out from the edges of my vision and twine like living green manacles around my wrists, stopping me in my place. The roses crawl up from their resting places on the floor. There thorns scratching deep crimson paths across my legs that rival their own color. I cry out and thrash against my bindings. I can feel the darkness closing in and his voice is becoming dimmer lost to me in the darkness.

"We have to stop, it's killing him!"… "Only way"… "Stand Aside!"

I hear it all from far away like I am under water and they are on the shore. I am burning up my flesh is being torn apart, turning into a river of blood. The thorns dig deep into my body ripping away skin and bone. The pain is unbearable; but I have to get away, to find him…save him. The roses are looking for something…searching I can hear their laughter as they peel away each layer of tissue like unfolding petals and then I scream, I scream until blood pores from my throat and eyes. In my terror I know I will never see or speak again I am blinded to everything but the pain and fear. I feel as my magic tries to save me only to turn black and stagnant. They are looking for a heart I no longer have. All I can think of is that I am going to die, and I will fail him again, unable to reach him in time. I can hear whispers inside the madness and laughter. They steadily grow louder, until like the beacon they are meant to be I hear them.

"HARRY WAKE UP!"

I am thrown from my slumber to land in a shaking whimpering heap, trapped helpless inside my bed covers. Sweat pores down my face to drip and land on my chest, where it merges with the small streams already there. I shudder for breath, as my body slowly realizes that it is alive and unharmed. I untangle myself from the counterpane and glance at my bedside clock.

The numbers read three in the morning exactly, I glance outside my window, and the moon is heavy with light. I try to shake off my terror and the hideous sadness that creeps slowly after it. I hurriedly sit up, nude except for the scars that twine around my body like silver snakes. They twist up my thighs and back in a pattern of remembered pain, to stop curled at the center of my heart.

My body shudders, Gods I need a shower. I stand up and my eyes alight on the half empty bottle that sits next to my bed. I reach out a clasp the cool bottle in my hand. Unsteadily I slip through the door to my bathroom. I flinch as my feet hit the cold tile. I lean in and turn on the shower taps and wait for the water to turn scalding. I stand up and see myself in the mirror, my face stares back at me the eyes shaken and haunted. The pain stares out for the entire world to see. I slowly raise the bottle in a silent toast to my reflection.

"Happy Birthday Harry."

**~ To clear up some confusion, yes this story will end well and no major characters coughs… Severus… coughs will stay dead, are dead or be dead. Basically no death in general for main characters that I love, now aren't we wondering which characters I love ;) Also I would like to take the time again to say I do not have a beta and the short chapters are all part of the flow of disjointed memories I am writing about. If anyone is interested in helping beta toss me an e-mail. As always a big thank you to my reviewer's it's nice to hear from you. ~**

**Cheers,**

**Bella**


End file.
